Don't be nice to me!!
What is wrong with Nice Christian people (NCP)?
What is wrong with Nice Christian people (NCP)?
Introduction
I was never a nice guy and part of my traumas is related to people trying to make me a "nice guy"! I'd many thoughts in my mind right from my childhood about the validity of certain messages. I wondered if sometimes people have twisted theology to avoid living a real life. After many years of search many of the lies the church and my parents (often unintentional) embedded in me at a young age surfaced. This had forced me to wrestle with my own version of the ‘Christian Nice Guy' syndrome. I thank God for His mercies and grace by which He helped me to stand on truth rather than on what others say and healed me from many of the issues! It was with great joy I read about No More Christian Nice Guy that there are others who share my view!
I hope this do not prevent you from reading the rest!! :D During this discussion you will see that its better not to be "nice" and that Jesus was never a "nice person" either! Yes, I wanted to make this introduction a bit provocative so as to make it interesting for the discussion. Do this Self Analysis Questions for Nice Christian people to see if you have the NCP syndrome!.
Who is a Nice Person?
You may ask, “What’s wrong with being nice?!” After all, the word is synonymous with being “kind, pleasant, respectful, friendly and considerate.” Those definitions may be true, but the word has also meant “dainty, unable to endure much, strange, lazy, foolish and naive.” It comes from a Latin root word for ignorant, or literally “not knowing.” For most of history, calling someone “nice” was an insult.
Now when we think about the "nice" people in our life, do we really see them stand up to injustice? And if they do are they truthful regardless of the consequences of their action? Only righteous people do this. Most "nice" people are pleasant and amiable. But when we look deeper, they lack the virtue of righteousness. Many "nice" people are not very nice behind the scenes. Many wives of Christian Nice Guys will tell you, their husbands are secretive, manipulative, and even dishonest. This nice lifestyle is a sinful lifestyle.
You would likely hear men being told to be more gentle, combat their selfish ways, confront their nasty competitiveness, become less wilful and opinionated, and control their dangerous emotions and related passions. Then there is this notion/belief that women are more spiritual and moral than men ! There’s nothing in the Bible that supports this belief. We are all equally sinful and in need of God’s grace. People say that women are more moral and spiritual because they attend church more regularly. But more men would come to church if they wouldn't be forced to conform to a dangerous caricature of Jesus as "meek and mild." Also, most church services are more inclined to address feminine sensibilities than masculine interests.
It is also an example of what is called "gender-ism," which is similar to racism in prejudice and destruction. It encourages the false belief that what women deem as important is more important than what men deem important. If the church wishes to create genuine unity between the genders, it will listen to both genders equally. Many men don’t have much of a say in their homes. Many aren’t even consulted when it comes to decoration. Their wives usually control most if not their entire social schedule. And some wives misuse this power by cutting out their husband’s friends and sometimes their family. This is abuse by another name. Women (wives) have not been encouraged to restrain their verbal strength the way men (husbands) have been told to control their physical strength. Wives shouldn’t misuse their verbal superiority when arguing. They should withhold this strength in order to make their verbal disagreements more fair and beneficial for everyone involved!
A Christian Nice Wife act more like a little girl than a grown woman in her bedroom by lying to get out of doing an unwanted chore: she pretends to be asleep or sick to avoid having sex with her husband. She hides her body by keeping the lights out during lovemaking. And she won’t speak the truth about her sexual preferences. All of this is very frustrating to her husband who senses that he’s being lied to, which feels very disrespectful. While a Christian Nice Husband will not tell his wife about his sexual preferences and settle for an unfulfilled love-making. This eventually leads to lusting after other women or ending up in adultery!
The Fear-factor
Too often people esp. women in particular, equate being Christian with being nice. As a result, they bend every way trying to accommodate everyone, suppressing thoughts, opinions, and emotions. "A lot of what people call nice behaviour is really fear, cowardice, and even sin in disguise," say Paul Coughlin and Jennifer Degler, authors of "No More Christian Nice Girl." It is called sin since; the goal is to be the nicest people on earth – to be a people pleaser! Many of these people are nice, not because they truly care about other people, but because they fear conflict and rejection. They smile politely with teeth gritted. When their passivity and false niceness do not bring the abundant life Jesus had promised, they try even harder to hide behind a fragile facade of pleasant perfection! When this passive, superficial sweetness does not help them, people blame themselves and believe following Christ’s example doesn’t work in everyday life. Sadly, this is the opinion of many Christians due to the misrepresentation of Jesus' teaching given to them. They are rule-bound, disciples of status quo and they seek other people's approval rather than of God.
Now when we look at kind people, they extend and donate a part of themselves to help others. Compare this to nice people, whose motive is to stay hidden from life. They may not do harm to another person, but they also don’t do any good. Nice peoples don’t think they should stand up for themselves and for others. The church widely teaches that good Christians don’t do conflict . . . and these rejoice in the widespread acceptance of this anti-biblical message, because conflict is their destruction! They are often fearful and dormant people who are unable to really follow Jesus. They don’t have it in them to be a redemptive force for good in this world. We see that the price of being too nice is high resulting in depression, anxiety, stress-related physical ailments, as well as difficult and destructive relationship patterns! Fear-based religiosity creates dangerous tension that ruins marriages, careers, and children — sometimes even our souls.
Fear causes people to live small, thinking their life will have less troubles when they do. Their life has more troubles when they refuse to enter into redemptive conflict. Fear also means they will not be able to give or receive deep love. They can’t fully receive God’s love either, or love Him in return.
When fear is in the driver’s seat of your life, forget about obtaining the abundant life Jesus said He came to bring us. But He also warned us that it is hard to find. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18) But the opposite is also true: fear casts out love. It is sad that Evangelical Christians can be responsible citizens most people appreciate as neighbours they but don't want to spend much time with them. Happiness eludes such men, but they can't admit it that it's not "Christian.” They don't think it's okay to be real and human. Many are ashamed to be human, to be made in God's image. They don't know how to be authentic. In many Christians if you're looking for someone who can help you through a Dark Night of the Soul, then they are not your man.
Passive-aggressive caricature of a Nice Savior
Place yourself in the two-faced world of a Christian Nice Person: On the surface you appear happy, pleasant, and seem to exude humility and meekness. You turn your cheek to most every injury, insult, and injustice, not because you are following Christ’s command (though that’s what you tell yourself and others), but because you unilaterally fear conflict. You are nice not because you are virtuous, but because you lack virtue. And during those rare moments where you do protect yourself or others, it’s usually overblown and causes needless pain for everybody. (Hence the famous term passive-aggressive.)
Outside, and especially at church, you’re warm and friendly; you appear to care about others. Inside, however, you may carry frustration and rage, because you are doubly haunted: You get to experience the weight and consequence of your own sin (much of which you try to hide through timid lies) and the weight and consequence of believing that you are inferior to your fellowman and that you lack intrinsic worth as a human being made in God’s image. You can call all this as psychobabble if you want, but realise you might do so at your own peril.
Passivity makes someone an angry loser in life. It also makes them dangerously dishonest, unreliable, and can even lead to outbursts of tremendous anger and violence. It fills people with self-loathing and gets them to mistake their failure in life for God’s sovereignty. They blame God for their wasted lives when God has already given them a plan to escape their passive and fearful lifestyle. Many of these people have not been shown this escape route until now. Fear is the major reason why they are passive.
You lack the ability to speak the truth in love, which is fundamental to both a fruitful and assertive personality, the very kind of personality you desperately want, but can’t seem to obtain. Jesus taught us:
"Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.
"But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.'
"And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.
(Mt 18:15-17)
The Bible clearly tells us how to approach this:
Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all.
See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all.
(1 Thes 5:14-15)
Facing our fears of conflict, rejection, and criticism, opens up options far beyond simply acting nice or being mean, which are the common extremes we see.
Many sermons we hear are designed to make Jesus appear always approachable, always calm, and endlessly patient. Today's is a culture that is confused about real masculinity – a dangerous caricature of "gentle Jesus meek and mild". That is just another fiction and this mild Jesus has more to do with Eastern mysticism than with the gospel record. He did not remain ‘‘above it all,’’ emotionally hovering above us silly little humans. He got down in this tough life with us. He really lived; he really felt eye-watering joy and soul-crushing pain throughout His life on earth.
Where we go wrong is when we say that the only definition of love is gentle and kind, which is a large misconception today. It do not represent all of the virtues that we are called to embrace. We need to embrace our inner policeman as well. Without courage, we are incapable of creating deeper acts of love. Because courage is the virtue that underpins all other virtues, especially deep and abiding agape love. It is indispensable to lasting love and faith in God. In the famous definition of love we also read: “(agape love) does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;” (1 Cor 13:6) This means that we do not tolerate injustice.
Jesus' real Character
When we want to find out how to react in a particular situation or to see what God's Will for us in a particular situation, one of the things that come to our mind is WWJD - What Would Jesus Do? You can see the “WWJD” tags all over. But sadly, a caricature of a soft Jesus is mostly preached about this – being the “nice Jesus”. We almost never hear sermon on the tough side of Jesus! To really understand WWJD, we must understand His real character and not a caricature. Overturning money-changers' tables and calling Pharisees "names" are not as “nice” as it is being preached! These texts are being used to label how bad the Jewish authorities were rather than explaining the circumstance.
So they came to Jerusalem. Then Jesus went into the temple and began to drive out those who bought and sold in the temple, and overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who sold doves.
And He would not allow anyone to carry wares through the temple.
Then He taught, saying to them, "Is it not written, My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations'? But you have made it a den of thieves.' "
(Mk 11:15-17)
"But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut up the kingdom of heaven against men; for you neither go in yourselves, nor do you allow those who are entering to go in.
"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you devour widows' houses, and for a pretence make long prayers. Therefore you will receive greater condemnation.
"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel land and sea to win one proselyte, and when he is won, you make him twice as much a son of hell as yourselves.
"Woe to you, blind guides, who say, Whoever swears by the temple, it is nothing; but whoever swears by the gold of the temple, he is obliged to perform it.'
"Fools and blind! For which is greater, the gold or the temple that sanctifies the gold?
(Mt 23:13-17)
"But woe to you who are rich, For you have received your consolation.
Woe to you who are full, For you shall hunger. Woe to you who laugh now, For you shall mourn and weep.
Woe to you when all men speak well of you, For so did their fathers to the FALSE prophets.
(Luk 6: 24-26)
We see another type of person in Jesus, who wasn’t nice but is amazingly good. The Gospels show a man in near constant conflict and tension with his surroundings. Fearful Nice people avoid conflict and tension, often through dishonest means. Nice people worship at the altar of other people’s approval but Jesus did not. Nice people when criticised often crumble and hide but good people keep going, the way Jesus did. Jesus was also sarcastic, especially toward the Pharisees, but nice people are not sarcastic even in the right circumstances.
Today's society labels men not to be emotional with tags like “boys don't cry” right from their childhood. This leaves them as emotionally disengaged men. Men in general and Christian men in particular should cultivate tenderness, which contrary to popular perception, is a masculine trait. After all, the shortest verse in the English Bible is "Jesus wept"! (John 11:35) He was not ashamed to openly show his emotions and the Jews were amazed by it as depth of His love towards His friend Lazarus.
We must not forget that Jesus was killed because of what He did and taught! Of course God allowed it in such a way. Even though He knew it would happen, it didn't kept Jesus from standing for the truth. He has let us an example in this. We are taught: “Jesus died for our sins” - yes Indeed! But it was a result of His righteousness – literally!!
Another misrepresentation of “Christian values” is when some churches teach, even though ironic to their “nice Christian” acting, that murder/death in a war is not accounted as sin. There is no Biblical reference for this even though they will be quoting all the Old Testament passages as proof for this. What they project is that, something that is not OK and sin if done individually is perfectly fine when done collectively! - Sounds like many leaders aren’t they?! Beware, and let’s pray that the Lord will keep us from deception!
How to be real like Jesus?
Jesus taught: Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. (Mt 10:16) Christians have heard countless sermons on what it means to be innocent as a dove, but very few on what it means to be wise as a serpent. Some translations say "cunning and shrewd as a serpent." As a result, they are ill-equipped to take on dishonest and deceptive forces at work. They are naive, and we don’t respect naive bosses, co-workers, husbands, or fathers. We have been told for decades that personal integrity alone will help us succeed in life. This is naive and detrimental both at home and at work. It goes against what Jesus told us. Honesty and integrity will flourish in ways you always wanted but couldn’t enact. An unfamiliar power will flow once your ‘‘disease to please’’ is gone. Confidence, always so elusive, will replace crippling fear. Dreams will be dusted off and empowered by newfound shrewdness, wisdom, and the good kind of cunning — three qualities Jesus exercised and said we should also have.
The Scriptures teach us: Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah
(Ps 4:4)
Therefore, putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbour," for we are members of one another.
"Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.
(Eph 4:25-27)
We have to speak the truth in Love.
The fact that we shouldn't be nice do not give anyone license to freak out because we ought to be good!! We need to have manners and should consider the society we live in with Biblical perceptive! We must focus on refining the anger, retaining its energy and passion, so it can be transformed into a redemptive force. A man who joins the Good Guy Rebellion is encouraged to be tender and tough, but always keeping in mind what is good for others. They are encouraged to embrace their emotions, not hide from them like so many men are prone to do. But it’s not an excuse to be a jerk.
Do not assume a gentle but sensible response to WWJD! This requires that if needed we must dare to question our church staff about their beliefs, choices, actions, etc.! They might react with “Do not Judge” or “be submissive to authority” or the like statements but keep in mind that Jesus and the Bible requires us to judge rightly!!
There are some primary actions we must take to get out of the Christian Nice People syndrome:
- Discard the church’s current caricature of the Nice Sweet Jesus. That is a work of fiction and a powerful source of false expectation that focuses on His sweet side and ignores His forceful side. We need to have a balance as Jesus taught.
- Recover from the encountered harmful childhood experiences, such as lacking inspiring words or role models, having anxiousnts, or suffering abuse.
- Do not give in to the immense pressure society puts on us to hide our true selves behind a facade of niceness;
- Understand the roll that fear is playing in our lives. It’s best to talk with someone who knows the multifaceted dynamics of fear. Trained counsellors are a great place to begin.
Christian men are expected to be mild and amiable, though Jesus was far from mild and amiable. They aren’t expected to show much emotion either, especially passion, since the "ideal" Christian man is primarily stoic. This makes him emotionally unavailable, which statistically leads to divorce. Women who play nice girls need to be bold and assertive rather than people pleasers who try to do too much. If women will risk being frank and firm in addition to being gracious and loving, they will conquer their fear and develop genuine, intimate connections with other people.
All Christians need to understand the crucial distinction between experiences that hurt and harm. Spiritual growth and healing often require experiencing uncomfortable and even hurtful change, but no permanent harm/damage happens. It’s like when you go to the dentist. It may hurt, but the pain is necessary for health, and you weren’t permanently harmed. Contrast this to experiences that harm us, which actually bring lasting destruction that keeps us from living abundant lives. Sometimes people who love us may hurt us & God allows this in order to bring us a greater life. Christian Nice Peoples don’t understand this distinction, and it harms them in almost all areas of their lives. We need to trust in Jesus for His words that He’ll be with us. He did not promise a life on rosebuds but that He’ll be just there helping in our way!
Some Biblical Examples of Real People
Story of Noah's preaching (Gen 6), Job's righteous stand with God, Joseph's faithfulness (Gen 37,39-41) and Moses' obedience (Exo 2) are very familiar for us.
Rahab the prostitute who helped the Jewish spies taking the risk of death! (Josh 2)
Deborah, who bravely spoke God’s hard truths to Barak instead of following the Nice person rule of “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” (Judg 4:4-9)
David who refused to put his hands on “the anointed one” even after Saul tried to kill him several times! (1 Sam 24 & 26)
The God fearing thief on the cross who rebuked the other for mocking Jesus on the cross and acknowledged his condition!! (Lk 23: 39-41)
Acquila & Priscilla, who courageously taught Apollos, a preacher what they knew about Jesus rather than following the Nice people rule of just sit quiet or be nice. (Act 18: 24-26)
Prayer:
Lord, God, the maker of the Universe, we thank you for the example that You left us in Your Son Jesus. Help us Lord to live like Him & to lead our life pleasing to You. Protect us from deception & remove from us the people-pleasing attitude and replace it with Your holy attitudes. Thank You for being with us & we put our trust in You. In Jesus Name we pray, Amen!
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